Today I am a recovered dis-empowered woman, yet my story started even before I was born. As a child I had buried who I was and by doing that, I lost my sense of self which greatly impacted how I showed up in life, how I acted, how I reacted and how I treated myself and others. Decades later, the effect of this choice still controlled my life … yet I never realized it.

I was born in a small community in northern Manitoba to parents who had immigrated to Canada after the wartime devastation in Europe. Unbeknownst to my brothers and I, our parents had PTSD, a condition no-one understood or knew about at the time, but which deeply affected our upbringing.

My father’s journey; however, began when he was a small child. At age 5, he lost both parents and then during the war he lost both brothers. In 1945, the U-boat Dad was a crew member on was depth charged. The only survivor was my Dad and after being rescued, he was taken as a POW. When the war ended, my parents became displaced, unable to go back to their home countries. Both came to Canada to start a new life, yet sadly, the trauma they had endured came with them.

In my hometown, we had no community, no friends and no extended family. Mom made the choice to not let her voice be heard so Dad very much ruled the household. At times his temper would take over, most often against myself or one brother in particular. If I stepped out of line or deviated in any way from what was expected of me, I was punished. I was belittled, molested, laughed at, made to feel that I didn’t matter and that I was undeserving of anything, especially love and being included. My brothers had the freedom, I didn’t.

As a child, I learnt that to be safe, I needed to bury who I was, become invisible and do exactly what I was told, when I was told. Throughout my formative years, I became so conditioned and disconnected from myself that often my voice could barely be heard because speaking up meant I was no longer invisible; therefore, no longer safe.

By the time I was an adult, I had buried all my childhood happenings so well that I never understood that I was only a fragment of who I really am. I became controlling of my environment and the people within it; to stay safe. It was all I knew. Stay small, stay invisible and above everything, stay safe.

I was born in Canada, but to me, it was never home, there was always a disconnect and I never understood why. My ancestry lies in Europe and it took me years to understand that I was born on land that wasn’t my own so I felt displaced, not only from my family due to my upbringing, but also from my relations. When I first flew to Europe and set foot on the land, I felt alive! I was home! For the first time in my life, I was home!

Years later, I continued to feel so disconnected from myself that I lived life in a constant state of fear, and it was only by looking back that I realized a large part of my fear came from not knowing, not understanding who I was. I was an adult and I felt as lost as I did when I was a small child. For much of my existence, I felt so displaced it was as if I lived my life walking on a tightrope with a blindfold on. I was too scared to move forward; okay, I didn’t know how to move forward. It is only now that I realize what had been missing all my life. Emotional security and a sense of belonging. No matter where I was, I never felt secure, emotionally or otherwise, or that I belonged or mattered.

Eventually my soul called for me to become a wanderer. So I moved. Far away from all I knew and where I was alone, all the time. And I continued to move, a lot! So often that I lost count. Yet the irony was that each time I did, I initially knew only one person, myself. But I knew if I had stayed where my family was, I would never find the courage to step outside my self-imposed boundaries or learn to follow my heart.

What always stayed with me; however, was the fear. It followed me everywhere I went. If I needed help, there was no one around, so I panicked, until I learnt to take a step back and ask myself what could I do to fix the situation. When I listened and followed what my intuition told me to do, it worked. And with each small victory I grew more confident. I learnt I could trust myself and the more I did, the more my self-confidence grew. Over time I began to accept myself and finally, to love myself.

One aspect of my life that had a powerful impact on my healing was my running. The solitude and time spent in nature helped me to accept who I am and what was right, for me. The steady pounding of my feet on the ground helped me to release the hurt, the anger and the pain in my body and soul. The more I released, at times with tears, lots of tears, the calmer, freer and more peaceful I became.

This process of re-becoming who I am, took me years to understand and accept. I learnt I didn’t have to control every aspect of my environment, including the people. As long as I had my own back, I was okay and I was safe. At work, I met hundreds of people each day and I was taken aback when I was away from there and still recognized. What a shock. I was no longer invisible and yet, I was safe. I grew even more confident within myself and in what I was doing and how I was growing. I had allowed myself to step outside the box I had lived my life within and oh my goodness, there was a whole world out there.

The more I learnt and understood of my journey, the more I was called to share, so I began writing blogs. By putting my words, my thoughts, my fears to paper, I further opened a door that had been closed for decades. I was sharing. Something I wasn’t used to, because sharing meant I was making myself vulnerable and visible. I had released the darkness within my life and my soul and finally understood each of us is perfect, exactly as we are. It was only by walking my journey that I began to see myself, and life, from a different perspective. I went from being no-one to being Some Body, MYSELF! And in doing so, I learnt to appreciate that we all matter, each one of us, including me. Now it’s our time to … Step Up  Speak Up  Show Up

Barb Coble ~ Uniquely Unorthodox